new years eve

Guys...2011 IS ALMOST COMPLETELY GONE.

There.  I said it.  Cat's out of the bag.

In honor of this momentous occasion, my friend and I decided to celebrate.  (Actually, we just hadn't seen each other since May and that was the only date we were both available.  But it's whatevs.)

First, we got all dolled up and went to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Then we went shopping and found a shirt for her bf, yoga pants that were long enough for me, and super yummy B&BW that was super super cheap.

But my favorite part was curling up on the couch and watching The Notebook.

I've never sobbed over so much a movie in my whole life.

After that, we talked for hours about our favorite parts of 2011; some were hard, most were happy, but as we talked we realized that all those moments truly have made us who we are.

It's like as we talked, God slipped His peace overwhelmingly into my heart, along with a trust in Him like I've never felt before.

So let's do this thing!  Let 2012 come...I'm ready for anything.

julie & julia

Last night I watched Julie & Julia.

(For the first time. I'm a little behind movie-wise.)

A. Love Meryl Streep.

B. Love love Amy Adams.

C. Love love love cooking.

Win win win.

For one brief moment mid-movie I thought to myself:

"Should I try it?! Cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook and blog about it?"

But then an airplane fell out of the sky and put that thought back where it came from.

You (and my bank account) should probably thank that hypothetical airplane ASAP.  And AMAP.*

Not to worry though!  One day I'll do something daring and crazy.  Just not that.

Then again, never say never.

*AMAP: an acronym standing for "as much as possible", a term made popular by Syd and Jess circa 2010.

dear God,

Dear God,

The world is your oyster, they say.  You can be anyone you want to be, they say.  Live your dreams.  Follow your heart.  You'll do great things.

But to be honest, God...I don't know where to start.  My heart is a jumble of where's and why's and when's.  There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go, but I don't know which ones are the right ones.  I need vision to see things like You do.  I need You to sift through my passions and desires and tell me which roads to run down.

What I'm trying to say, Lord, is that I need to know the next step.  Or maybe You want to surprise me.  If that's the case, I trust You.  But please put my feet on the right path because I have to become who You've made me to be.  I have to.

I love You.

Jesseca

come like a flood and saturate me now...you're all i want

"...Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place...You're all we want."
This song is quite literally the cry of my heart right now.

Do have a listen.  And sing along.  Let His beauty overwhelm you.

On another note,
how was your Christmas?


Mine consisted of 

lots of American Eagle and Starbucks all around.

See all those furry hats?  Well.  One of them is brother's, the other two are mine.

Apparently they didn't get the "I-already-got-Jesseca-a-hat"  memo.  But that is most okay...it just means I can go pick out a sweater or something.

After all the fun and food and Monsters-Inc-watching was over and everyone else had gone to bed,
I sat by the tree for a long time to think and pray.  Mostly pray.

It's kind of a tradition God and I have.

I told Him I wanted to live a life like David's.  He told me He wrote this verse for me.


"My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king; 
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer."
(Psalm 45:1 NIV)


It was so perfect!  It made sense!  It put my feelings into words.

Yes, what a wonderful Christmas indeed.

holidays.

• Snugging with Pup.
• Waiting for mom to get home from work so we can finish our Christmas shopping.  She promised.
• Finally got a Pinterest invite! Yay! My pins thus far consist of hot cocoa and...nothing else.
• Wouldn't it be fun to have a hot cocoa bar at your wedding?
• Fell in love with this love story.  It may or may not have taken me a half-hour to read at 12:30 in the morning.  But it was SO worth it.
• Heard a new theory on why time flies faster as you age: 

When you turn one, you've been alive for 365 days.
In order to reach your 2nd birthday, you have to live another 365 days; or in other words, you have to relive your entire lifetime to get to your next birthday.
But after your 2nd birthday, you only have to relive half your lifetime to get to your next birthday, because now you've been alive 730 days and a year is only half of that.
And so on it goes.  After your 3rd birthday, you relive a third of your lifetime to your next birthday, and after your 4th, a fourth.
So when you're 43, you only have to live 1/43 of your entire lifetime to get to your next birthday.
No wonder time flies.

• Dancing with my favorite kids last night made me feel like a kid again.  And today my arms are sore from all that hard-core lifting.  Win.
• Loving all the cookies and parties that come with the holidays...can you believe it's almost here?!
• Merry Christmas.

if a picture paints a thousand words

The Lord gave me a picture during worship once, a picture that He reminded me of tonight.

The sky is a rich, warm blue.  The grass is soft and brilliantly green, thickly carpeting an Irish moor of some sort.  The sun warms the air and shines on the water in the distance.  It's just me and Him.

There's no anxiety, no fear.  Nobody to worry about, nothing to think of but Him.  His love for me fills the air for miles of rolling hills and all I can do is let it soak me.

I wish I could draw it, or paint it, or capture it with my little point-and-shoot.  If I could, I'd show it to you.  If I could, I'd blow it up and hang it on my wall.  If I could, I'd stare at it for hours, jump into it, relive it over and over.

But for now, the image burned into my heart will have to suffice.  For now, the prayers I've whispered to Him, screamed to Him, will have to be the rope that ties my dreams to His.  For now, this earthly version of love will have to assure me that I was made for something more.

when christmas songs go wrong

Do you like Christmas songs?  Me too.

But here are two versions of holiday tunes I'm not too sure about.

Someone said, and I quote, "When Bob Dylan sings I'll Be Home for Christmas, it sounds like a threat."

Agreed.

P.S.  You know that workout routine I posted the other day?  This one.

Well I've been doing it.  I'm still sore.  And if you were wondering how to do a proper squat, I found this video.  Check out that guy's biceps!  I really didn't expect such an accent to come out of his mouth.

lezz be honest, shall we?

If I could just be honest for a moment...

1. I don't like clean hair. Because mine thinks cleanliness is a free pass to rebellion.

2. Last week, revelation was just jumping off the pages of my Bible...but this week, I feel like I'm fighting to have one letter move my heart.

2.1 The word heart just reminded me of the first (and only) spelling bee I was in:

"Spell the word 'heart'."

(this was the practice round.)

"Heart.  H-e-a-t.  Heart."

Feeling extremely fortunate to have gotten such an easy word, and also feeling swamped with relief at having spelled it correctly, I turn with a satisfied smile to sit down.

"ding-a-dingadiiinnng" the bell rings.

My face falls.  I sit down ashamed.

I spelled auditorium wrong too.  Still do.

3. I want more than anything right now to write a song, and not just any song.  A love song.  To God.  But I have to fall in love with Him first.  Soon, He says, soon.

4. Zits have been loving my face as of late.  Loving it so much, in fact, that two have made themselves very well-known to me in the past week.  So well-known, in fact, that my every breath sends a shot of pain coursing through my veins.  Gee, thanks, I feel so loved.

5. My little chihuahua is not loving the cold weather.  She has to give herself a pep talk every time she has to go potty.  "I'm a big dog.  I am a brave dog.  I am a DOG.  I have long, fluffy, warm fur simply smothering me.  I cower not in the face of cold wind and winter weather.  This too shall pass."  It makes me laugh.

6. I'm off to work out.  Trust me, I'd rather rather watch Elf for the third time this week.

Peace and hair grease, lovely people!

Wonder if this works.

change takes forever

...at least it seems like it.

(If you're like me and don't like long, wordy posts, I've provided some Cliffsnotes at the end.  This post is seriously all-over-the-place-random.  So feel free to scroll on down.)

(You're welcome. Haha.)

I want to be _____________.

I want to go _____________.

When will we _______________?

How will we __________________?

You fill in the blanks; surely we all have multiple answers that could fill in the space.

We are all changing.  And if we aren't changing, we're thinking about change.

Sometimes it takes a few days for the change to occur...yet more often, it seems, it takes years.

I know I sound kind of vague... I haven't completely worked this out in my head yet.  But I digress.

Watch this.

Pain.  It's everywhere.  How can it be possible for a second-grader to even think of taking a knife to his own arm because he sees himself as worthless?  But it is possible.  And it happens all the time.

Why do children eat rotten food out of garbage cans?  How can mothers take their unborn child's life?  Why do husbands explode in anger at the women they once loved undyingly?  Drugs, violence, hatred, sex trafficking, anger, fear, theft, abuse, selfishness...on and on the list goes.  You don't need me to remind you of all the pain in your world.

Yet...it continues.  All the time, everywhere we go.  The pain in this world seems like an insurmountable problem to solve.  No matter how many bandaids we put on the cut, it just keeps bleeding harder.

But maybe it's as simple as changing ourselves myself.

Last week, I met a new person who would become semi-permanent in my life.  I thought nothing of it at first, but after a couple of hours there began to develop a sort of unspoken feud between the two of us.  All the while, I was trying to exercise 1 Corinthians 13.  I was trying to stay in love towards her, trying to see life from her POV.  She obviously had a lot of pain in her life, judging from what little I knew about her, and I wanted to be maybe help some of that pain, not add to it.  I wanted to show her the love of Christ and be a friend to her.

Wasn't working.

Long and short of it, I gave it to God.  I asked that we could be friends, not enemies.  I asked Him to change me into His likeness and love with His love.  So this morning before I left, He had me pray Luke 6:35-36 over myself:  "Love your enemies.  Do good and lend, hoping for nothing in return.  And your reward will be great... He is kind to the unthankful and evil... Be merciful as He is merciful."

So that's what I did.  And you know what?  Today, there was something different about her.  Or maybe there was something different about me.  Or maybe both.

Because now we're besties.  You'd have thought we've been friends for years.

Change takes a long time.

Except for when it doesn't, because then it's fast.

There's a lot of pain in this world.

If you want to change someone's pain into joy, you have to change yourself first.

God will help you change yourself, and then He'll work a miracle on your behalf.

He loves you like that.

he knew i needed the snow

It's the first day of December...a perfect day for a snow day, don't you think?

This morning, I woke up to a phone call that said I could stay home from work.  I, of course, went straight back to bed for a few more precious snoozes before exposing my very warm self to the cold of non-covers air. (my electric blanket and I are very attatched.)

I finally pulled myself out of bed and pushed back my curtains to look at the white wonderland my neighborhood had turned into.  Snow was blowing horizontally off of my neighbor's roof and the snowflakes in front of my window were falling all crisscross and happy.  Brother was playing jars of clay's christmas album while he bundled up for school and as I stood staring into God's beautiful artwork, He and I had a magical little moment.

See, last night I went to bed terribly frustrated.  Some of the things on my mind that should have been happy thoughts were just turning into a source of discontent and I could feel myself pulling away from God's loving direction because all of it was just too complicated for me.  I had become so focused on everything I wanted in my future that I was becoming almost bitter that I couldn't have it now.  I was trying to figure out a path to walk down, wondering if this was right or that was wrong...and I was just a mess.  I knew that it would all get better if I could just surrender completely to His will instead of my own, but that might mean saying no when I so much wanted to say yes.

But in those few precious moments with Him at that cold, frosty window, everything changed.  Suddenly my plans seemed so dim and fruitless compared to His path.  I knew that if He said no now, then He'll say yes later and it will take me by sweet surprise.  It will be perfect.  It will be the right time.

And I was content.  More than content.

"Don't fret or worry.  Instead of worrying, pray.  Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.... Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

Philippians 4:6-7, 13 MSG