Search me. Know me. Lead me.

Oh goodness, it has been quite some time since I posted last!  Too, too long.  I’ve had several post inspirations, but none of them seemed quite right.  I’m not sure how this one is going to end, but I promise you that I will post it, no matter how it turns out.

A lot of things have been changing lately, and all in good ways.  But change so often requires a new mindset and a new identity (and if you’re lucky, a new wardrobe), and I’m sure you all are aware of how draining that process can be!  I have to laugh at myself though; I ask God to purge me of anything in me that is not of Him, but seem to forget that prayer 5 seconds after I say amen.
     Apparently God doesn’t forget, though, because over the next week, I’ll begin to see faults in myself that I have never seen before.  And of course, I don’t say, “OHH, THANK YOU JESUS!  You are cleansing me and I am LOVING it!”  No, no, that’d be too easy.  Instead I freak out and wrack my brain, trying to figure out why I don’t recognize myself anymore.  This is more like what I actually say: “JESSECA.  What is wrong with you?!  Why did you just say that?  Did you really just think that?  Geez, why can’t you just enjoy life?  WHAT.  IS.  WRONG.  WITH.  YOU??!”  That’s a true story, folks, and you heard it here first.

It’s funny how God works.  Recently, Sunday’s sermon or Wednesday’s topic is typically about the exact same verse I read the day before.  Last Wednesday is a prime example of that.  That morning, my mom and I had had a “discussion” (picture me squinting, sticking my chin out, and framing my face with two crunching peace signs as I say discussion) about how I always beat myself up over the things I don’t do instead of just letting go of my mistakes, resolving to make it better next time, and focusing on the things I did do right.  Guess what Wednesday night’s topic was on?  BAM.  You guessed it.  And after Pastor Nate’s teaching, guys and girls broke into discussion groups, like we usually do.  I haven’t a clue how the guys’ talk went, but ours turned into an hour-plus, heart-exposing, tissue-filled talk that was totally orchestrated by none other than the Holy Spirit.

Needless to say, I wouldn’t trade those precious moments with my dear friends for anything.  Yet although I dumped my heart out into their loving hands, I’m far from close to having perfected my habit of beating myself up over silly things.  Sighhh.  Sometimes I wish God could speed up the process and just get it over with already!  And as if one flaw-exposure wasn’t enough, it feels like every day reveals yet another character-building issue I need to deal with.

Remind me why I ever prayed that prayer again?

But I am seen by my Father.  He is nearer now than He was a week ago, because I am submitting myself to His correction.  Or at least trying to.  Sometimes I genuinely wonder how I’ll know when I’m submitted to Him.  How will I know I’m trusting fully in Him?  How will I know I’m following His path for my life even when I don’t have anything to show for it?

Again, I sigh.  I have truly been trying to just let go and trust the beautiful God who has turned my life upside down.  It’s a journey, but a beautiful one, just like Him.  I want to be beautiful to Him.  I want to be spotless before Him and closer to His heart than I am to anyone else.

Because I know that when I finally lose myself in His all consuming love, where nothing else matters, I will suddenly see what I was created for.

"Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 139:23-24