lately i've been so broken

I want this post to be short.  To the point.

I'm so imperfect.  I'd like to be better, more perfect.

I'd like to tell you that I've buried myself in God, that through the trials and frustrations, I've used all the ink in my highlighters and that my Bible is tear-soaked and striped yellow through and through.

But no.

Here I am, struggling to realize I don't have to stand in the rain with bloody knuckles, knocking on His door to let me in.  I'm in.  I'm already His.

I feel like Hosea's wife.  I've forgotten I'm His.  But He will do anything, anything, to get me back, even if it means paying the price a slavemaster would pay for me.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm saying; all I know is that He has allowed me to be broken, like a clay pot, and I am so thankful.  Truly humbled that He would hear my prayer to be broken of myself, of my own will.  Now He is soaking me in water over my head to soften me, and next He will knead me and mold me into a new pot.  After that, He will set me in the fire to solidify who I am, then use me.  And then it's back to the water, I suppose.  Not that I mind; my life is not my own...it's His, through and through.

"If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there...." Psalm 34:18 message