How much do you want it?

Or, to be precise, how much do you want Him?

That’s what God kept asking me this weekend.  Youth retreats seem to be the best opportunities to spend time with God because (1) if you live in Colorado, you’ll most likely be going to the gorgeous mountains that He created where (2) you don’t have anything else to do except seek His face and wait for Him and (3) you’re surrounded by amazing people who want Him too and you end up strengthening each other’s faith. 

In the days leading up to Winter Blast, I desperately began wanting to just bless God while we were there.  If nothing else happened, I just wanted all of us teenagers to come together as one voice to glorify the name of Jesus and make God happy and the devil mad.  As I found out later, a fight inevitably came with such an expectation.

Ever feel like God couldn’t hear you?  Or that your prayers were streaming out of your mouth just to evaporate, because if they were visible, surely God would respond?  Or maybe you’ve felt an ominous sense of discouragement and hopelessness that you couldn’t seem to get rid of, even though you have an entire Bible full of God’s promises, love and hope.

Well, I must say that I felt all of the above at some point this weekend.  And presently, I have so many thoughts floating around in my head that I would really appreciate it if I could grab each one, pin them down on the table, and analyze their content.

But since I don’t seem to be finding success in that area at the moment, I guess I’ll have to settle for trusting God with it all, and completely not worry about it.

Maybe that was His goal.

I’m starting to realize that the more we chase after Him, the more He makes us fight for the relationship we have with Him.  It doesn’t come served on a silver platter.  Sure, He says in James 4:8 to draw near to Him, and He’ll draw near to you.  But in the process, you have to have your heart broken.  You have to have everything you rely upon ripped away from you so He can become your only source of life and joy.  Sometimes you’ll feel like He’s far away from you, but it’s only because He wants you to find out how much you need Him and want Him.

The concept of this seems unfair.  Isn’t He supposed to be loving and kind?  Why would He want us to fall and feel lost from time to time?

Only because that’s when we learn that He will always catch us.  He won’t let you fall all the way.

 And really, it’s not unfair that He makes us fight to get near Him.  Besides proving how truly desperate we are for Him, He comes through every time and we just end up being closer to Him, right?

We’re on a staircase called Life.  We know that God is always at the top of it, and we want to get closer to Him, so with every passing day we climb a step or two.  It can get tiring climbing stairs!  We fight and keep climbing and eventually reach a plateau.  It’s at those places where we feel closer to God than ever, yet know we could still be closer.  We look behind us at the battles and laugh at them, and rejoice in the bliss of victory.  But then we look up and realize there’s another flight of stairs at the end of the landing…and guess Who stands on the first step, calling to us?

It’s mystifying how God works.  Without those times of rest, we’d be absolutely exhausted, but without the fights we wouldn’t have a single reason to rely on our Creator.

I guess for now, I’m content with not understanding everything.  I’m okay with feeling sort of lost, because I know I’m not and that God has everything under control.  I will continue to fight until I feel like I can’t anymore because He’s worth every tear and moment of pain.  And one day, who knows?  Maybe I’ll mature past the times of questioning and understand why exactly I’ve been where I’ve been.